Frozen in Time

Just a warning: Seeing as I’ve been home sick almost a week and a half now, this is not a post about an exciting trip or a day at work. I just wanted to share something I’ve been reflecting on lately. Hope you enjoy

After deciding I needed some time out of the house (a.k.a. fatty food), I took a solo walk to McDonalds this Saturday. As I sat across the table from this family and their two little girls, we struck up a conversation. Every time I looked the youngest girl (7), I was reminded of my little sister despite the fact that the oldest (12) is closer in age. As I was reflecting on why, I realized Caitlynn was frozen in my mind. As I sat there, eating my deliciously awful McDonalds, I realized Caitlynn has grown up so much and is now much more like the twelve year old sitting in front of me. But in my mind, she is constantly stuck at the age where we spent the most time together and she will probably always be that little girl in my mind.

I realized that I was doing the same thing to myself. Having had a lot of time to myself this week, I started looking into my options for the future. Grad school. Job. Internship. Which direction do I go? As I began looking at grad schools, I realized I would love to go into Pastoral Ministry or Pastoral Counseling. Part of me is itching to go back to school. But as I started to look, I was flooded with just as much anxiety as I was excitement. I’ve never really been known for my studiousness or for that matter my punctuality. I chastised myself for even thinking that I had what it takes to go through 4 more years of schooling. Did I really think I have what it takes to do this? Now don’t get me wrong, I graduated with a decent GPA, but I definitely had my struggles and I’m sure exasperated a professor or two.

As I walked home from McDonalds, I put two and two together.  I didn’t just have a habit of freezing my loved ones; I had a habit of freezing myself. Unlike Caitlynn, I wasn’t frozen in a place where I was cute or felt settled. I was stuck in all the places where I had failed before, using them to prove that negative voice in my head right. Every time I thought about grad school, I looked back at the “Cassie” who had turned in papers late or waited till the last minute to do something. When I was stressed at work, I saw myself as the “Cassie” who was impatient and got frustrated at her roomates. I have this mental scrapbook of all of all my worst moments and I carry them around with me. I’m just waiting to prove to myself that I don’t have what it takes.

Who would want to do that - carry around all of their struggles and bad moments? I’d rather carry my backpack from Sophomore year of college. Trust me, that was not light. Just like Caitlynn, I’ve changed. I’ve used all those bad moments to grow up and learned from my mistakes. I know that there are still eight and a half million more things to work on, but they will come in time. I cannot let my fears and anxieties freeze me in time and give me an excuse to stop growing and challenging myself. The girl in that scrapbook isn’t necessarily the girl looking at me in the mirror.

So why share this reflection? Because, I don’t think I’m unique in this. I’m sure everyone carries a little scrapbook of his or her own and sits down to open it up every now and then. I’m not naïve enough to say to never open the scrapbook again. But I will say, remember to fill your scrapbook with triumphs and treasures as well as struggles. Remember that you grow and change and learn from all of those mistakes. And remember that sometimes it’s okay to prove yourself wrong. Be gentile.