The Reality of Falling in Love

The kids I work with are just like other kids I’ve worked with. They drive me crazy and at the same time, they warm my heart with one hug. They exhaust me, but somehow when I go home, I miss being climbed on. They need diaper changes CONSTANTLY and just like all kids, they throw temper tantrums and call me names like fea (ugly) and caca (poop) and sometimes things so much worse. They are truly like every other kid.

But then again, they are not. They are children of adolescent mothers. Today, I had lunch with a 15 year old who is the mother of two beautiful little boys.  Fifteen and having given birth twice! Can you imagine? I look around the cafeteria during lunch and it seems like a bunch of high school girls playing house … but they are not playing. This is their reality. Do you remember being fifteen? I do. I know that I was nowhere near selfless enough to be a mother. Science tells us that our brains are not fully developed until we are 25, and as a 23 year old who constantly makes ridiculous decisions, I stand as living proof that this is true. These women aren’t living together because they feel that community is a beautiful thing, but because they need this program to give them a chance with their children. My culture shock of the day was that these girls need this program, not only to flourish, but to simply keep their children in some cases.

Today, I saw a young woman – a 15 year old – lose the one place that she and her daughter might have had a chance. When we walked to the cafeteria and saw all the girls crying, of our friends told us that a girl had been having some trouble and was being sent home. My first thought was how are she and her daughter going to make it without the support and education they receive at Posada. It wasn’t until a little later that I found out her daughter, one of my “favorite” little girls with the big smile and cuddly personality, would not be going home with her mother but was being taken by social services. The decision this teenager made did not just have consequences, but it meant that her child was taken from her.

I know I’m pretty much reiterating the point over and over, but I just can’t seem to wrap my head around the weight that these girls have to bear. Now, I’m not taking the responsibility off her shoulders entirely, because she clearly made enough trouble that she was asked to leave. But honestly, who didn’t repeatedly make stupid decisions when they were a teenager. My heart goes out to these women in such a huge way. I cannot imagine holding the weight of someone else life on decisions I make. I hope and pray that someday I can be as courageous as them. I hope and pray that one day, if I’m called to be a mother, I look into the eyes of my child and all else falls away. I hope and pray that, just like I would do for these kids, I fall so far in love that nothing else in my life is the same.  

Life's Little Lessons

Here’s for the important stuff. You know, the reason you all helped me out? I’m hoping to share a little bit about my life here in Costa Rica, but most importantly the work that I will be doing. Instead of doing this in the biggest blog post ever, I’m going to introduce my life through the little lessons that I learned.

Life’s Little Lessons: Living in Another Country

1.  There are many different dialects in the Spanish language – Ten cuidad!! Watch out, because you can say something that you don’t mean to and it can be very bad. Here’s a pretty hilarious video that explains what I mean:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4LjDe4sLER0&feature=youtu.be&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D4LjDe4sLER0&nomobile=1
2. It rains – a lot. I don’t just mean there are a lot of little showers. There are a lot of torrential downpours with big booming lighting. It’s beautiful and a little nerve-wracking at the same time. Running (or in my case attempting to run) up a street – that has many potholes –with ankle deep amounts of water while soaked is quite an adventure.
3.  Speaking of adventures – it is absolutely important to learn the bus schedule early. Standing 20 minutes in the rain after running up said street is not easier. Waiting for 45 minutes for a bus, that you think might be coming any time now, is pretty frustrating. Every single bus looks like yours … except for the one that you don’t flag down which is, in fact, your bus!
4. Don’t judge a book by its cover – I continuously learn this lesson. Our guardian Friar at first glance seems stern and a little intimidating. But then, we ate dinner with him and we realized he is HILARIOUS! We have such a great time. He also has the heart of a grandfather and is seriously making sure that we have more than we need and are taken care of.

Life’s Little Lessons: Mi Trabajo (My Work)
For those of you who do not know, I’m working at a home that serves around 100 teen mothers. These mothers are given the opportunity to work (they have a restaurant, a beauty salon and some other things they can help with) and have an education. Their children, ages 0-5, are live on the property with them and are together in daycare. I’ve only been there two days, but so far I have been helping take care of children who can walk (1.5 to 5 yrs). This is what I have learned:

1. Never say never – After changing my major from Education, I said I would never be a teacher. Well, I may be teaching music to the mothers who are forming a choir! I may be helping lead said choir. I may also be helping pick out instruments for the very same choir! How might you ask does this have anything to do with daycare, well …
2. Be careful what you PRAY for – I’ve always been worried that I wouldn’t keep up with my music and that there would always be better musicians than myself who could do a much better job. Well, I prayed that God would find a way to let me use my music. When we arrived at Posada de Belen, the VP asked myself and Lauren (the other volunteer), if any of us played guitar. I hesitatingly said that I played a little. Well, it then came out that I play a few different instruments and sing … and generally know about music. That ended with the VP saying that we were God’s answers to her needs and that she was going to use all that we had to offer. This could get interesting.
3. Learning patience is good, learning confidence is necessary, learning indifference to certain bodily fluids is a miracle. I never thought I’d be looking up Spanish phrases for “Is that pee?” “This child’s diaper leaked through his pants” “Stop putting your hands in your pants” “Stop climbing on the tables” “DO NOT CHOKE THE BABY!” and many, many more phrases. I also never thought that I would be wiping pee from children’s hands and feet as they played in the puddles of pee left over from another child during nap time.

My final little lesson for you:

• Love can be quantified – I’m not saying that when a kid says “I love you this much”, he or she only loves you as much as the space that they leave between their arms. What I’m saying is that love is so physically visible. It’s palpable. When you sit down and a little girl wants nothing more than to sit on your lap and watch the world. When someone is so dedicated to their call to serve others that they are so generous they leave me speechless. When, after a long day of doing everything wrong, you tell a little boy that you are so proud of him for sharing his book and doing something good that he smiles so big and then runs into your arms. That’s love. Tangible, breathable, over-the-top, love. 

It's not "Goodbye", its "See you Later"

I’m sitting on my bed here in the house I’ve called home for the last two months in a situations that’s become all too familiar. Sitting on my bed, looking out at my things scattered around, wondering just how the heck I’m going to fit it all in my limited space … and even more importantly, how I’m going to get on that plane and say goodbye.

 In just a year and a half I’ve visited six different countries and graduated from UD. That’s a lot of hello and goodbyes. For the more significant visits, when I went to say goodbye, there was something that was holding me back from going forward. In Italy, it was a fear of what was coming my way and saying goodbye to the laid-back lifestyle I had into a time of personal discovery and development. In El Salvador, I felt the call to mission – to allow Christ to use me as His vessel to bring peace and love to the world. From UD, there was a fear of leaving what was familiar and settled for the unknown ahead but an excitement of all that my future held.

Preparing to leave Trinidad is no different in the fact that I don’t want to leave. That doesn’t mean I don’t love and miss my family, I do! But my heart isn’t ready to leave. Unlike the other goodbyes, I haven’t quite discerned out why it is so hard to leave a place that I’ve spent two months to go to a place where I’ve spent most of my 22 years. I think it will take some time away to figure out what hold this country and this community have on my heart, but there are plenty of reasons that come to mind. I’ll share snippets and hopefully I can catch some of you before I’m off to the next adventure and “home” to share more reflection.

God & Prayer: To say that God showed up seems woefully inadequate and inaccurate. He moves and makes Himself known on a daily basis in my life. To say that God showed off on this trip is a little more accurate, but it wasn’t because He performed miracles or because I had some extreme conversion of heart. It was in the quiet and slow way that He pervaded my days. Just some of the ways that our relationship changed:

• Praying the Liturgy of the Hours daily: This helped me delve into some of the scriptures that I might not have read on my own and to really enter into praying as (and for) community
• Anointing my day in prayer: truly the only reason I could wake up in the mornings and go do ministry J
• Quiet: this was a struggle for sure, but even the small amounts of time I was able to be quiet with God showed me how faithful God is and that I really need to stop doing prayer right
•  Laying of hands for Life in the Spirit: This was truly a confirmation of all the ways that God was speaking to me in the quiet that I was hesitant or questioning.

Community: Even though I never got to the post about the type of community I’ve been living with, I’ll share the joys of living in community. For the past two months, I’ve been living in community with consecrated lay women and one priest. They make promises to live chaste, simple and obedient lives while serving in their community. To read more about them, check out this site: http://www.lwctt.org/index.php/about-us. I have so much to say about each individual that I have met in this community, but I will leave it at this.

• They challenge and love. I felt challenged in some way every day of my trip here. It wasn’t always big, maybe a reflection on my prayer life or a conversation about how games affect our understanding of reality, but it was impactful.
• They loved and supported me every step of the way, and that love is reciprocated. I truly feel like this community has become my family and will miss them so much.
• Even more important than the love and challenge that community life presented, the Holy Spirit is moving here in a profound way. I have truly been walking among saints whose powerful love for Jesus is transforming the community and those they come in contact with. I’m constantly in awe of their faith.
• Fun: It wasn’t all depth and seriousness. This community is a hoot. I remember my first dinner with all of household, welcoming those who returned from their pilgrimage in Italy and wondering how I was ever going to finish my dinner. I spent most of the meal laughing.

Ministry: Since this post is already log enough, I’ll just let you know that ministry progressed well. I’m going to miss the kids and teens that I worked with here. It was extremely hard say goodbye to the ministries that I visited and participated in while here. I’ll be thinking and praying for them (and hopefully being kept updated on what is going on … hint, hint).

Well, that was fast and a lot, but I just have to say, I’m so thankful for this opportunity. If I had to choose one word to describe my time here, it would be TRANSFORMATION. I will not be going back the same way I came, and I definitely will not forget. I felt truly alive and authentic with this community and I pray that God was able to use me in some way during my time here. Thank you Sr. Angela Ann, Living Water Community and mom and dad for allowing me such an experience. Although I’m only home for a few weeks before I head off to Costa Rica, I hope to see as many of you all as I can.

As for my new Trini family, I love you and God willing, I’ll be back as soon as I can. (In the meantime, I’ll be studying Côté ci Côté la)

Love,

Cass

Taking on Mission Impossible

“There are so many problems, so many problems, there are difficult times, Jesus had many of His own! But always with that confidence: ‘The Lord has called me. The Lord is with me. The Lord has made me a promise'”

~Pope Francis, 6/25 Homily

This quote from Pope Francis’ Homily this morning is in reference to the fact that we are all called to be Christians. We didn’t accidently become a Christian, and we definitely didn’t just inherit this faith from our parents. We are each called one by one. But at the same time, Pope Francis is recognizing that this call is not easy. There are so many problems … difficult times … BUT yet we are called, the Lord is with us and the Lord is faithful. It is with this hope in the Lord that I write this post about my ministry experiences here in Trinidad.

For the past month, I have been working in a bunch of different ministries to get a small taste of what this community is up to. Let me tell you, they never stop going. Living Water Community supports various ministries throughout Trinidad, as well as missions on the other Caribbean islands. During the week, I spend mornings at Mercy Home (AIDS Hospice), Cancer Hospice, Ave Maria House (feeding the poor), working in the food bank and spending my morning with the children at the Halfway house. In the afternoons, I help with teen and children’s ministry, and I spend a few hours at the halfway house. We spend time working in the community coffee shop as well. Though it’s a busy schedule, it is padded with prayer and time in community.

To be honest, ministry can be hard. There are days that are long and tiring and I’m ready to go to bed right after night prayer (9:30). Those are the days that I pray when I get dropped off in the morning, I have enough energy to be positive, uplifting and loving to the people I’m with. There are days when it can be intimidating and when my prejudices really come out and I’m not sure if I’m cut out for ministry. I find this happens most often when I’m at Ave Maria house serving breakfast to the poor. It’s difficult for me to find the balance that is needed when talking with some of the men that come to Ave Maria. I want to hear their stories, but it’s not necessarily information that is offered up over breakfast. I also often find the halfway house difficult. Sometimes it’s because the children are driving me crazy, and other times it’s because I see that they are often aching for attention.

At the same time, I find that I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing. Moments like this morning when I went to Mercy Home and sang the Divine Mercy chaplet with a patient and he kept nodding his head encouraging me to continue, even though he couldn't talk. Moments like when I walk into Hospice and sit with Granny as they are changing her dressings and we talk about everything from how much she loves Christmas to our common love for Country/Western music. Or, the day that I had six kids circled around me trying to plait my hair. Trust me, I didn’t love it because they did a really good job … my hair was actually a mess. I loved it because I saw the joy that it brought to their face. The fact that even on the hard days, I miss seeing the people that I get to work with. Those moments when I learn so much about how God gives joy to those who have the least. The ones that keep me from giving up on myself and what I feel God is calling me to.

So, as Pope Francis said, “There are many problems.” So many that sometimes it feels like I’m not doing anything to help, that there is too much to fight against. But it’s not really about working towards an end we expect to reach soon, but more about working towards the world we hope for. It’s moments like the ones I've mentioned above that I realize I’m called into ministry. Called to walk with people in their hurt, and that in those moments, God will strengthen me on my way. That, for me, is worth continuing on a journey, one that I was intentionally called to, even during the moments that it is overwhelming. 

A New Type of Living

Two weeks.

That’s how long I’ve been in Trinidad and with the Living Water community. Two weeks and one day ago, I was sitting on a plane and hearing about the culture that I was about to immerse myself in from a stranger coming to visit his father. Two weeks to the day, I had already helped out in the coffee shop, had inspiring conversations with my household, prayed with the larger Living Water Community, received an e-mail a day from Sr. Angela Ann and had met what seemed like the entirety of Port-of-Spain. Little did I know that the whirlwind of activity that defined my first two days here would be a pretty solid indicator of what was to come. I can’t speak for the future, but I can’t imagine that life will get any slower1 J

I had been planning to blog a little earlier about my experience, but unfortunately I lost my computer cord and my computer had died. Let me be honest, it wasn’t really that unfortunate. I was able to contact people as needed via my kindle and I was able to be disconnected enough to immerse myself in the life and movements of this community. So, I’m sorry for not updating you earlier (especially those who have missed my Facebook pictures!) but I had a reason.

I truly trusted the spirit when coming here and wasn’t exactly sure what I was going to do here nor the lifestyle I was going to be living. Looking back, I’m really grateful for that gift of faith because everything became a surprise and an adventure. I wasn’t ever sure what was coming next. I still don’t think I am. So, the last two weeks, I’ve really been getting to know the members of the community. All of them are just. .. beautiful. I don’t think I have a word to describe the joy and energy that just radiates off of these lovely people. I’ve also been getting some insight into what the community does. This means that I’ve been hoping from ministry to ministry helping out. So far, I’ve helped in the coffee shop (a lot), been to the food bank and helped stuff bags, the halfway house to play and share with the children,  Duncan street (poor ministry) to help with breakfast for those living on the street, and Cancer hospice just to hang with the patients. I’ve been able to spend time with children’s, teens and young adult prayer times as well as participate in youth band. Like I said, its been a full two weeks.

Community life is its own joy in and of itself. We pray together, we work together and we celebrate together. While I’ve been here there has been a lot of celebration: The Feast of Corpus Christi, the Worldwide day for Eucharistic Adoration, sending off parties and just good old time with the community. They are truly a fun bunch, and love to have a good time.  We even had a little fun dancing to Calypso as we sent one of the community members off on mission. What I’ve found the best is conversation and prayer. I feel like I’ve already learned so much about my faith and personal relationship with God, and really I’ve only just begun. We pray the liturgy of the hours together every day and each member also has a prayer day (I have a prayer morning). It’s a time of connecting with God, so important to the movement of ministry! I must say that even though prayer motivates me and rejuvenates me, it’s also a challenge. Morning prayer starts at 5:45 during the week. For those of you who know my schedule, you know that’s not normal for me. Some mornings I’m fine, some mornings I don’t think a coherent thought passes through my mind. Either way, I’m growing and learning.

I know that this is quick and a little haphazard, but I think I will do some little blogs about culture and community here as well as updates about where this journey is moving in my soul. Unlike Italy, this blog will be a little bit more personal, but it will still be plenty long! Just a warning for the future. Anyway, I’ve also decided not to download my pictures here. I will be using a dropbox that will be linked to my blog account so everyone can see the journey that I’m living. Pictures may be far and few (out of respect for those I work with and also so I can be present where I am) or there might be a whole bunch of pictures of what seems like random silliness but holds a lot of meaning for me … we’ll just have to see!

Until next time, I hold you in my thoughts and prayers and hope that you will do the same for me!
Peace & Blessings

Cassie

My Walk to Emmaus

I have a decision to make. I blogged last time about taking a leap of faith, jumping off my "swing" and moving forward. That decision is difficult. It isn't just a change of school, it's moving away from friends and family, from comfort and security, and also stepping into the unknown. A new school, especially at this point, means going back to the beginning, making new friends, making a new name for myself, essentially, taking all that I have been blessed with these last two years at UD and trusting that God will bless me in my transition.


I have been praying a lot and asking God to give me a sign, clear directions, some foolproof way of knowing that He wants me at Franciscan. As I have discerned this transfer more, I've got the feeling that I'm supposed to be there. There is some aspect of Franciscan that is drawing me into it's grasp, but I keep getting caught on the "What ifs". I have talked to basically everyone I know, some of them have heard me drone on multiple times, and I get very strong opinions about both schools. I keep hoping that one of these times, someone is going to say "You need to go to Franciscan because that's where God wants you." Now, if that happened, I would be more than happy, but chances are that's not going to happen. The multiple different opinions I'm getting are great, they give me information about my options, but what is really important is the way I react. That says just as much about what the deepest desire of my heart really is, and that is where God's opinion lies. So, I have to start listening ...


For what though?  A disembodied voice in the distance, a dream of God coming to me, an Annunciation-like event? None of these things actually, because God speaks to the depths of our hearts, the place that only He resides. He speaks to us in ways that are unique to our relationships with Him. 


I think that God has been speaking to me through the Scriptures. In all this noise that I have created for myself, He needed a new way to get to me. Two weekends ago, the 24th, the readings came from Kings and Romans. The first reading is about Solomon, who asks God for a discerning heart with which he will judge his people fairly. God responds to Solomon, granting his request because he asked not for himself, but for the service of his people and for God. The second reading starts off with these words:

"Brothers and sisters:

We know that all things work for good for those who love God, 

who are called according to his purpose."

  The song for the day was "Seek ye First". To me there seemed to be a message during Mass, "ask and the door shall be opened, seek and you shall find". That says it all. I'm looking for God and I'm asking for God's will to be done, and God will be faithful and help me discover what that means. This past Sunday, the readings seemed to pop out at me again. The story of the loaves and fishes, the reading from Isaiah proclaiming that all who hunger and thirst will have their fill in the Lord, then our proclaiming in the psalm that  "The hand of the Lord feeds us" and in Romans, the proclamation that nothing can separate us from the love of God. These readings have reminded me that God will be faithful to my pleadings for direction and security, and that I need to make a decision. After that decision is made, God won't stop being faithful and He won't leave me to flounder if I made the wrong decision. There is safety in His arms.


I think this is a testament to the fact that the Bible is the LIVING Word of God. It was written in a certain time and for a certain purpose, but it speaks to people of every age. It wasn't like God woke up before Mass and realized He needed to talk to me so he wrote the Scriptures. NO, they have been there all along. I have read them and sang the songs multiple times, but this I think is where my blog comes full circle. The name of my blog is "My Walk to Emmaus" from the story of the two disciples on the walk to Emmaus with Christ. "Were not our hearts burning within us as we walked along the way and he opened the Scriptures to us?" These scriptures may not have changed since they were written, but along this journey of discernment, Christ truly opened the Scriptures to me and allowed the Holy Spirit to set my heart on fire for Him.