Discovering Christ in Christmas: A True Trini Christmas

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all who happen to read this.

I know that I have been neglecting my blog, but since Mono left my system and my energy came back, it has been nonstop! After being home sick for three weeks, I slowly reintegrated myself at work, took a trip to Nicaragua for Thanksgiving and then barely had time to breath before heading off to Trinidad for Christmas.

I have been asked multiple times “Was Trinidad everything that you hoped for?” I can’t even begin to answer that question! I was a flood of emotions leading up to my trip and had no idea what I hoped for. I was anxious about going back. I kept thinking what if it was too soon; maybe I had not had enough time to process. I thought maybe I had missed Trinidad so much I began to romanticize how I felt about it. Well, I was right to think that something had changed and honestly the trip was not how I'd expected it to be at all.

I was right to expect it to be different because I, had in fact, changed in the four months I was gone. Although, my time in Costa Rica has not been easy, it has been a time of growth. While I’m still very strongly extroverted, I have had to learn new ways of processing. My understanding of service has stretched and grown as I navigate my way through my work site. My understanding of community life has changed as I have lived my first few months with my Costa Rican housemates. The space from my previous experience in Trinidad had given me a chance to process what exactly had touched me so deeply.

That being said, despite having been to Trinidad and having processed a little bit of my experience, I was no more prepared for this experience than the first time. I remember packing and realizing I had no clue what to pack because all I knew was that we had a lot of work to do! Needless to say this trip was full of surprises and blessings.

The first surprise was finding out that “early morning” no longer meant 5:30 prayer in the chapel. For the week leading up to Christmas, early meant getting to the center at 4:30am to make breakfast before Aurora mass. Those Aurora Masses became one of the greatest parts of my Advent journey. Sitting in a dark chapel with only candles lighting the altar, looking onto the Laventille hills, and watching the sun rise over them as the Eucharist is consecrated before us. The insane symbolism of walking into a dark room, not knowing who was sitting beside you yet feeling a strong sense of community and safety and the symbolism of the sun rising and light coming to the chapel as the Light of the World becomes present in a physical way on the altar before us. That is powerful. It was a beautiful way to clear out the distraction that liturgy can bring along with it - especially for someone who is passionate about studying the liturgy – and recognize the Christ that came before me.

That was the beauty of Advent for me – removing the distraction and noise. For the first time, I truly celebrated Christmas. Being so far away from what I had always associated with Christmas was surreal. Instead of praying for snow and a “White Christmas”, I was seeing palm trees and sweating from the humidity. Instead of shopping for gifts, I was preparing goodie bags and food hampers for poor families. Instead of gathering with my friends and family to celebrate, I was gathering with my community to pray and to work. Without all of the distractions of what Christmas has become, my Advent journey became about one thing – focusing on opening my heart and preparing for the birth of the King of Kings. I can’t even begin to explain how blessed and wonderful that time was.

Another surprise, and blessing, was that even though I’d been gone for three months, it felt as though I had never left. It was amazing to be back with a community that I love and watch them live out their mission to serve joyfully. On Christmas Day, community members gather together to prepare and serve a lunch for 2500 people. It was amazing to watch everyone work to make such a big event happen on a day. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t just watching, I was able to help hand out gifts to all of the children that came through. :) I also got to spend time with the community outside of work and prayer, being part of the Boxing Day and Old Year’s festivities was also a great time. For a community that knows how to work, Living Water Community also knows how to have a good time! They truly have become a second family to me.

Many of you know that I could go on (and on and on) about Trinidad … so be warned if you choose to ask me in the future how my trip was. While it was a strange Christmas away from home, it could not have been blessed with greater people. To my Trini family who reads this, I’m so grateful for you welcoming me back with such love and allowing me to be part of that special time. I already miss you and cannot wait to come back. To my family and friends at home, I missed you and you all were in my prayers every day I was gone, but I’m so grateful for your support this last year. With 5 different trips, it was a big year and I couldn’t have done it without your encouragement and prayers. I cannot wait to see you all again as well!

Blessed, blessed New Year!

Frozen in Time

Just a warning: Seeing as I’ve been home sick almost a week and a half now, this is not a post about an exciting trip or a day at work. I just wanted to share something I’ve been reflecting on lately. Hope you enjoy

After deciding I needed some time out of the house (a.k.a. fatty food), I took a solo walk to McDonalds this Saturday. As I sat across the table from this family and their two little girls, we struck up a conversation. Every time I looked the youngest girl (7), I was reminded of my little sister despite the fact that the oldest (12) is closer in age. As I was reflecting on why, I realized Caitlynn was frozen in my mind. As I sat there, eating my deliciously awful McDonalds, I realized Caitlynn has grown up so much and is now much more like the twelve year old sitting in front of me. But in my mind, she is constantly stuck at the age where we spent the most time together and she will probably always be that little girl in my mind.

I realized that I was doing the same thing to myself. Having had a lot of time to myself this week, I started looking into my options for the future. Grad school. Job. Internship. Which direction do I go? As I began looking at grad schools, I realized I would love to go into Pastoral Ministry or Pastoral Counseling. Part of me is itching to go back to school. But as I started to look, I was flooded with just as much anxiety as I was excitement. I’ve never really been known for my studiousness or for that matter my punctuality. I chastised myself for even thinking that I had what it takes to go through 4 more years of schooling. Did I really think I have what it takes to do this? Now don’t get me wrong, I graduated with a decent GPA, but I definitely had my struggles and I’m sure exasperated a professor or two.

As I walked home from McDonalds, I put two and two together.  I didn’t just have a habit of freezing my loved ones; I had a habit of freezing myself. Unlike Caitlynn, I wasn’t frozen in a place where I was cute or felt settled. I was stuck in all the places where I had failed before, using them to prove that negative voice in my head right. Every time I thought about grad school, I looked back at the “Cassie” who had turned in papers late or waited till the last minute to do something. When I was stressed at work, I saw myself as the “Cassie” who was impatient and got frustrated at her roomates. I have this mental scrapbook of all of all my worst moments and I carry them around with me. I’m just waiting to prove to myself that I don’t have what it takes.

Who would want to do that - carry around all of their struggles and bad moments? I’d rather carry my backpack from Sophomore year of college. Trust me, that was not light. Just like Caitlynn, I’ve changed. I’ve used all those bad moments to grow up and learned from my mistakes. I know that there are still eight and a half million more things to work on, but they will come in time. I cannot let my fears and anxieties freeze me in time and give me an excuse to stop growing and challenging myself. The girl in that scrapbook isn’t necessarily the girl looking at me in the mirror.

So why share this reflection? Because, I don’t think I’m unique in this. I’m sure everyone carries a little scrapbook of his or her own and sits down to open it up every now and then. I’m not naïve enough to say to never open the scrapbook again. But I will say, remember to fill your scrapbook with triumphs and treasures as well as struggles. Remember that you grow and change and learn from all of those mistakes. And remember that sometimes it’s okay to prove yourself wrong. Be gentile. 

Searching

I’ve started (and promptly erased) many attempts at a blog post these last few weeks. I’m not sure why I find it so hard to write to you all; I rarely run out of words. There’s so much to tell – good and difficult. I realized that I haven’t really updated at all about my life here. The last blog was more an outpouring of my heart from my work, but it wasn’t really of substance. That being said, there will be a lot more to come I’m sure. But, this is all that comes to mind right now. I hope it gives you some insight onto what this time has brought.

I’m searching…

Searching as I pace back and forth from my room, to the kitchen, to the hill, to my room again -
as I check Facebook, almost obsessively, and check my e-mail just as often

I’m think I’m searching for words,

But really I seek something different.
I’m looking for the familiar,
for the known,
for settled-ness
I’m searching for comfort.
I’m searching to know I’m capable, safe and loved.
I’m searching for…
me.

But what I’m finding is newness -
new house
new friends

new work
new kids
new music

new language.
Everything new and challenging

and I wonder if I can assimilate to it all?
Can I take it all in?
Can I adapt, change,
mutate into something that fits here -
a Gringa masquerading in the outfit of a conquistador.
Here to change the world,
be your best friend and confidant
to love and to save.

What have I found?
I’ve found that a besito can heal a wound,
trust can turn un loco into a gentleman,
teaching guitar isn’t the most important part of guitar lessons,
and taking your time brings many blessings.
I’ve found that despite all that’s new,
there is something familiar.

I’ve found me.

A gringa
struggling to speak and teach and love.
I’ve found that instead of changing the world,
I’m going to be changed by it.
I’ve found that my struggles, insecurities and questions
were packed in my suitcase.
I’ve found that I would love to be a mother,

and a Sister,

and a teacher,
and whatever else,
as long as I could show someone they are loved.
I’ve found that I haven’t learned it all and I never will.
I’ve found that I will change, adapt and grow in the face of challenge.
I’ve found that God will always be faithful

and goodbyes will always be hard.
I’ve found God in all those things above.
As a counselor,

A friend,
A confidant,
A source of strength,
as my Beloved.

But most importantly, I’ve found that there will always be love.

The Reality of Falling in Love

The kids I work with are just like other kids I’ve worked with. They drive me crazy and at the same time, they warm my heart with one hug. They exhaust me, but somehow when I go home, I miss being climbed on. They need diaper changes CONSTANTLY and just like all kids, they throw temper tantrums and call me names like fea (ugly) and caca (poop) and sometimes things so much worse. They are truly like every other kid.

But then again, they are not. They are children of adolescent mothers. Today, I had lunch with a 15 year old who is the mother of two beautiful little boys.  Fifteen and having given birth twice! Can you imagine? I look around the cafeteria during lunch and it seems like a bunch of high school girls playing house … but they are not playing. This is their reality. Do you remember being fifteen? I do. I know that I was nowhere near selfless enough to be a mother. Science tells us that our brains are not fully developed until we are 25, and as a 23 year old who constantly makes ridiculous decisions, I stand as living proof that this is true. These women aren’t living together because they feel that community is a beautiful thing, but because they need this program to give them a chance with their children. My culture shock of the day was that these girls need this program, not only to flourish, but to simply keep their children in some cases.

Today, I saw a young woman – a 15 year old – lose the one place that she and her daughter might have had a chance. When we walked to the cafeteria and saw all the girls crying, of our friends told us that a girl had been having some trouble and was being sent home. My first thought was how are she and her daughter going to make it without the support and education they receive at Posada. It wasn’t until a little later that I found out her daughter, one of my “favorite” little girls with the big smile and cuddly personality, would not be going home with her mother but was being taken by social services. The decision this teenager made did not just have consequences, but it meant that her child was taken from her.

I know I’m pretty much reiterating the point over and over, but I just can’t seem to wrap my head around the weight that these girls have to bear. Now, I’m not taking the responsibility off her shoulders entirely, because she clearly made enough trouble that she was asked to leave. But honestly, who didn’t repeatedly make stupid decisions when they were a teenager. My heart goes out to these women in such a huge way. I cannot imagine holding the weight of someone else life on decisions I make. I hope and pray that someday I can be as courageous as them. I hope and pray that one day, if I’m called to be a mother, I look into the eyes of my child and all else falls away. I hope and pray that, just like I would do for these kids, I fall so far in love that nothing else in my life is the same.  

Life's Little Lessons

Here’s for the important stuff. You know, the reason you all helped me out? I’m hoping to share a little bit about my life here in Costa Rica, but most importantly the work that I will be doing. Instead of doing this in the biggest blog post ever, I’m going to introduce my life through the little lessons that I learned.

Life’s Little Lessons: Living in Another Country

1.  There are many different dialects in the Spanish language – Ten cuidad!! Watch out, because you can say something that you don’t mean to and it can be very bad. Here’s a pretty hilarious video that explains what I mean:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4LjDe4sLER0&feature=youtu.be&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D4LjDe4sLER0&nomobile=1
2. It rains – a lot. I don’t just mean there are a lot of little showers. There are a lot of torrential downpours with big booming lighting. It’s beautiful and a little nerve-wracking at the same time. Running (or in my case attempting to run) up a street – that has many potholes –with ankle deep amounts of water while soaked is quite an adventure.
3.  Speaking of adventures – it is absolutely important to learn the bus schedule early. Standing 20 minutes in the rain after running up said street is not easier. Waiting for 45 minutes for a bus, that you think might be coming any time now, is pretty frustrating. Every single bus looks like yours … except for the one that you don’t flag down which is, in fact, your bus!
4. Don’t judge a book by its cover – I continuously learn this lesson. Our guardian Friar at first glance seems stern and a little intimidating. But then, we ate dinner with him and we realized he is HILARIOUS! We have such a great time. He also has the heart of a grandfather and is seriously making sure that we have more than we need and are taken care of.

Life’s Little Lessons: Mi Trabajo (My Work)
For those of you who do not know, I’m working at a home that serves around 100 teen mothers. These mothers are given the opportunity to work (they have a restaurant, a beauty salon and some other things they can help with) and have an education. Their children, ages 0-5, are live on the property with them and are together in daycare. I’ve only been there two days, but so far I have been helping take care of children who can walk (1.5 to 5 yrs). This is what I have learned:

1. Never say never – After changing my major from Education, I said I would never be a teacher. Well, I may be teaching music to the mothers who are forming a choir! I may be helping lead said choir. I may also be helping pick out instruments for the very same choir! How might you ask does this have anything to do with daycare, well …
2. Be careful what you PRAY for – I’ve always been worried that I wouldn’t keep up with my music and that there would always be better musicians than myself who could do a much better job. Well, I prayed that God would find a way to let me use my music. When we arrived at Posada de Belen, the VP asked myself and Lauren (the other volunteer), if any of us played guitar. I hesitatingly said that I played a little. Well, it then came out that I play a few different instruments and sing … and generally know about music. That ended with the VP saying that we were God’s answers to her needs and that she was going to use all that we had to offer. This could get interesting.
3. Learning patience is good, learning confidence is necessary, learning indifference to certain bodily fluids is a miracle. I never thought I’d be looking up Spanish phrases for “Is that pee?” “This child’s diaper leaked through his pants” “Stop putting your hands in your pants” “Stop climbing on the tables” “DO NOT CHOKE THE BABY!” and many, many more phrases. I also never thought that I would be wiping pee from children’s hands and feet as they played in the puddles of pee left over from another child during nap time.

My final little lesson for you:

• Love can be quantified – I’m not saying that when a kid says “I love you this much”, he or she only loves you as much as the space that they leave between their arms. What I’m saying is that love is so physically visible. It’s palpable. When you sit down and a little girl wants nothing more than to sit on your lap and watch the world. When someone is so dedicated to their call to serve others that they are so generous they leave me speechless. When, after a long day of doing everything wrong, you tell a little boy that you are so proud of him for sharing his book and doing something good that he smiles so big and then runs into your arms. That’s love. Tangible, breathable, over-the-top, love. 

Bienvenido a Costa Rica, FrancisCorps 15

“It’s OK if getting exactly what you worked and prayed and fought for — whatever it is — scares you like hell. It’s OK, but know this: there is a place inside you — this dynamic, living, breathing, transformation-in-progress that you are — where something constant can and does dwell. That constant is God.” – Caitlin Kim

Looking through my blog, I noted that I often start my posts by marking time that has passed. Partly because it gives a time frame for what’s happening in my life and it’s an easy lead. But also, because I feel like time passes so quickly and it’s often a whirlwind of activity that pushes me to post.  Well, it HAS been a whirlwind of activity since the last blog I posted, but I think I’m going to start this one off with a quote.

Right before graduation, a friend recommended this blog on transitions. I didn't quite take it seriously until I stumbled upon this quote – which I've been reflecting on ever since.  It is so appropriate to how I've felt these last two weeks.  I've been excited about the adventure that is coming my way. I've been a little sad because I've missed my family, friends and Trinidad so much. But mostly, I've been a little scared. I was blessed with a great vacation with my family to help me relax, but that didn't stop nerves from setting in as we pulled up to the house in Syracuse. It wasn't even the thought of moving away for a year. That hadn't really set in yet. It was the unknown of the community members that I was about to meet. Well, those fears were all for naught, because our community (both those in Syracuse and my community members in Costa Rica) are AMAZING! They are all such beautiful and supportive people. We spent a week getting to know each other – a couple days on retreat in New York and a few days at the Jersey shore. It was such a great time of fellowship, quotes and awkward accents.

Like I said, it took me most of that time to realize that I wasn’t staying in Syracuse to do my work. After working two days in the Food Pantry, it was really hard to believe that our community was splitting up and that I was leaving the country for a YEAR! It really hit me on the plane ride on Wednesday when I realized that when we landed, I was expected to speak Spanish. All. The. Time. Needless to say I was absolutely scared out of my wits. My stomach was in knots (that might have been because I left my Kindle on the plane and was freaking out) and my head was spinning trying to remember anything I’d ever learned in Spanish class. Well, all was well. We have enjoyed three meals with the Franciscan Friars that are sharing their space with us and even though I often get lost, they are patient and helpful and think my inability to speak Spanish is hilarious. Good example, the other night a Friar was sitting alone with the pizza and I asked “Por qué estas soltero?” which means “Why are you single?” NOT “Why are you alone?” He thought that was quite hilarious.

So, while the anxiety is fluctuating with every new experience, I’m coming to peace with the adventure of life here. Remembering that God is at the center of all this and I am sure that it is His will that I’m here and He will always remain faithful. Hope in transition. Anyway, I’m unpacked and settled in, although I’m still not sure I realize how long a year is despite how quick it might go. We are starting to talk about community life and expectations and all that jazz, so all is on the way. Our director will be here in a couple of hours to get our Costa Rican orientation started and we’ll move forward from there. I’ll update again soon and let you all know about my work site, but for now here are a few pictures of my new home.

Our house from a distance

La entrada al Convento
 (The entrance to the convent - we call this the tree of life)

Gorgeous bushes everywhere!

The view of the mounains from the chapel at the Friary. 

It's not "Goodbye", its "See you Later"

I’m sitting on my bed here in the house I’ve called home for the last two months in a situations that’s become all too familiar. Sitting on my bed, looking out at my things scattered around, wondering just how the heck I’m going to fit it all in my limited space … and even more importantly, how I’m going to get on that plane and say goodbye.

 In just a year and a half I’ve visited six different countries and graduated from UD. That’s a lot of hello and goodbyes. For the more significant visits, when I went to say goodbye, there was something that was holding me back from going forward. In Italy, it was a fear of what was coming my way and saying goodbye to the laid-back lifestyle I had into a time of personal discovery and development. In El Salvador, I felt the call to mission – to allow Christ to use me as His vessel to bring peace and love to the world. From UD, there was a fear of leaving what was familiar and settled for the unknown ahead but an excitement of all that my future held.

Preparing to leave Trinidad is no different in the fact that I don’t want to leave. That doesn’t mean I don’t love and miss my family, I do! But my heart isn’t ready to leave. Unlike the other goodbyes, I haven’t quite discerned out why it is so hard to leave a place that I’ve spent two months to go to a place where I’ve spent most of my 22 years. I think it will take some time away to figure out what hold this country and this community have on my heart, but there are plenty of reasons that come to mind. I’ll share snippets and hopefully I can catch some of you before I’m off to the next adventure and “home” to share more reflection.

God & Prayer: To say that God showed up seems woefully inadequate and inaccurate. He moves and makes Himself known on a daily basis in my life. To say that God showed off on this trip is a little more accurate, but it wasn’t because He performed miracles or because I had some extreme conversion of heart. It was in the quiet and slow way that He pervaded my days. Just some of the ways that our relationship changed:

• Praying the Liturgy of the Hours daily: This helped me delve into some of the scriptures that I might not have read on my own and to really enter into praying as (and for) community
• Anointing my day in prayer: truly the only reason I could wake up in the mornings and go do ministry J
• Quiet: this was a struggle for sure, but even the small amounts of time I was able to be quiet with God showed me how faithful God is and that I really need to stop doing prayer right
•  Laying of hands for Life in the Spirit: This was truly a confirmation of all the ways that God was speaking to me in the quiet that I was hesitant or questioning.

Community: Even though I never got to the post about the type of community I’ve been living with, I’ll share the joys of living in community. For the past two months, I’ve been living in community with consecrated lay women and one priest. They make promises to live chaste, simple and obedient lives while serving in their community. To read more about them, check out this site: http://www.lwctt.org/index.php/about-us. I have so much to say about each individual that I have met in this community, but I will leave it at this.

• They challenge and love. I felt challenged in some way every day of my trip here. It wasn’t always big, maybe a reflection on my prayer life or a conversation about how games affect our understanding of reality, but it was impactful.
• They loved and supported me every step of the way, and that love is reciprocated. I truly feel like this community has become my family and will miss them so much.
• Even more important than the love and challenge that community life presented, the Holy Spirit is moving here in a profound way. I have truly been walking among saints whose powerful love for Jesus is transforming the community and those they come in contact with. I’m constantly in awe of their faith.
• Fun: It wasn’t all depth and seriousness. This community is a hoot. I remember my first dinner with all of household, welcoming those who returned from their pilgrimage in Italy and wondering how I was ever going to finish my dinner. I spent most of the meal laughing.

Ministry: Since this post is already log enough, I’ll just let you know that ministry progressed well. I’m going to miss the kids and teens that I worked with here. It was extremely hard say goodbye to the ministries that I visited and participated in while here. I’ll be thinking and praying for them (and hopefully being kept updated on what is going on … hint, hint).

Well, that was fast and a lot, but I just have to say, I’m so thankful for this opportunity. If I had to choose one word to describe my time here, it would be TRANSFORMATION. I will not be going back the same way I came, and I definitely will not forget. I felt truly alive and authentic with this community and I pray that God was able to use me in some way during my time here. Thank you Sr. Angela Ann, Living Water Community and mom and dad for allowing me such an experience. Although I’m only home for a few weeks before I head off to Costa Rica, I hope to see as many of you all as I can.

As for my new Trini family, I love you and God willing, I’ll be back as soon as I can. (In the meantime, I’ll be studying Côté ci Côté la)

Love,

Cass

Transitions in a Terminal

As I sit here at the airport, I can’t help but feel this connection with the people around me. We don’t know each other, we don’t have any idea where the other is headed, but we can relate. We talk in line as we are going through security, we joke about the awful food we receive on the plane and for just a few moments or hours we share a little bit of our lives. I love these little random connections. I love the feeling that someone else, who I don’t know at all, is maybe feeling the same thing I am.

At airports there are goodbyes: people leaving their families, coming home from vacations, lots of different types of goodbyes. I understand goodbyes and can relate. Three very short weeks ago, I said a really big goodbye – Graduating from UD. It was easier and harder than I thought. Easy in the fact that the people that I feared losing and moving away from have shown that they are still a part of my life which makes me appreciate them even more. Hard in the fact that I’m starting over. I’m no longer a busy student who has meetings and work and classes to juggle. It’s difficult because my friends and I are moving away from each other and there are people who I’m not sure when I will see them again. At first that transition was really frightening and I wasn't quite sure I was going to make it. Thankfully, I had people to help me through it! ;) I’m beginning to look at the transition of graduating as a commissioning, a sending forth to something beautiful and new, instead of losing something that I held dear.

This morning I said a second goodbye. Actually, I think I've been saying goodbye in preparation for this trip starting at Easter! But, I’m here at the airport so this time the goodbye is a little more final. Although this goodbye is only for a short time, I have to admit I’m nervous. It isn't the first time I've said goodbye to my family and friends for a long period of time, but I have to admit, I’m still a little nervous. The next two months in Trinidad doing service are sure to change me and form me in spectacular ways, but I’m going to miss home. This goodbye like the one from UD is full of excitement and gratitude and a little fear of the unknown.

While there are many goodbyes, there are also hellos. I think it’s my favorite part of being at an airport, watching people excitedly embrace their loved ones! Hellos are filled with so much joy and life. In just a few hours, I’ll be saying hello to the community that I will live, work and pray with for the next two months. I've been waiting for this for over a year and I cannot believe that it’s finally here! I’ll also be saying hello to a new culture and a new way of life.

So, I’m nervous … excited… prepared and unprepared … and tired. But after two short flights, ready or not, I’ll be in Trinidad starting my new adventure. An adventure that is sure to be full of many goodbyes and hellos, and hopefully a little bit of growth and insight, too. I ask that you keep me in your prayers as I go forward and I’ll keep you updated!
 

Looking Back

It’s been a long time since I've posted – here or on my other blog. I've decided since we are celebrating Jesus’ resurrection, I would bring my blog back to life. Just kidding! I've actually decided to start blogging again in preparation for my year of service. I’m hoping to use this blog to keep in touch with you all.

To begin, I’d like to share my Easter reflections and thoughts.

One year ago, I was standing in Italy celebrating Easter at the Vatican. It’s hard to believe that that was only 365 days ago, so much has happened. I remember standing in line, early in the morning, anxiously waiting to run into the piazza to get a seat close enough to see Pope Benedict. In the last year, Pope Benedict did the unexpected and resigned. We waited excitedly for the announcement of a new Holy Father.  When the white smoke went up, my classmates and I huddled around the computer to watch as Pope Francis, the Pope of firsts emerged on the balcony. It was a joyful moment in the Church. For me, it was a historic year.

I remember standing and praying with the faithful of the Church at the Vatican, overcome by the Tradition that is our Church. It was a very powerful moment for me. It was during those celebrations of the Church that I reaffirmed my commitment as a Catholic. It was there that I saw the truth of the Body of Christ, in all different nationalities and languages surrounding me. I felt at home in a place that was over 4700 miles away from my family. It was Church in all of its beauty and ritual. In the past year, I've traveled to El Salvador twice and seen the other side of faith. Throughout this year, I've met people who have nothing, people who have lost those they love, people who are confused and feel abandoned by the Church. Hearing their stories and learning their pain challenged my faith in the Church. It called me to challenge teachings of the Church and find my own standing. While I don’t have the answers, it started a journey of growing into my faith.  For all of these reasons, it has been a challenging year.

I remember going to Confession with a priest on Ash Wednesday and he encouraged me to make Lent a time to find God in my life again. He said that I sounded lost and confused, and that I needed to center myself on Christ. I remember standing in Assisi overlooking the valley as the sun rose promising myself that I was going to move forward; I was going to become a better Christian. I wanted to use my final year at UD to figure out who God was calling me to be and have my life all figured out. Over the past year, I've questioned a lot. I've prayed in new ways and tried to find an authentic relationship with God. On the way, I became more authentic with myself. With the help of some extremely important and wonderful people, I found out a lot about myself. Part of this discovery can be attributed to those wonderful people in my life being bluntly honest with me, part of it from the challenges of traveling, and part of it from lots of reflection. It hasn't been easy, but in the end it’s been the beautiful start to a lifelong process. As for figuring my life out, I changed my major, completely refigured my plan for after graduation and have no idea what I’m doing for the rest of my life. The fact that this doesn't scare me (quite as much) like it did before shows me that there has been growth. It has been a year of discovery.

In my reflection, I've seen how epic this past year has been. I can’t even believe that the person I am now is the same person who got on a plane and went to Italy for four months. While I celebrated Easter this year, I celebrated two resurrections. That of Christ- the Resurrection that conquered death , and the resurrection of self – the true me rising from the busy and crazy of life that I momentarily got caught up in. It’s hard to believe that in just a few weeks, I’ll be graduating from college and moving forward in life. But the challenges and growth over the last year have shown me that I will be able to survive in the “real world”. While I don’t know exactly what the world holds for me, I do know that where I will be for at least a year. I will be spending a year in Costa Rica with a year-long service program called FrancisCorps. Along with a few other young adults, I will be serving the poor in Alajuela as I continue to grow figure out who I am.  It is sure to be another year of epic adventures and I hope you will continue following me here!

Peace and Blessings to you all!

**Shameless plug – if you’ve made it this far into the post and are interested in helping support my service work in Costa Rica, you can visit my page at the following website address OR send me a comment on here and we can work something out!! Thank you**

https://www.youcaring.com/mission-trip-fundraiser/fundraiser-for-franciscorps/51015

My Walk to Emmaus

I have a decision to make. I blogged last time about taking a leap of faith, jumping off my "swing" and moving forward. That decision is difficult. It isn't just a change of school, it's moving away from friends and family, from comfort and security, and also stepping into the unknown. A new school, especially at this point, means going back to the beginning, making new friends, making a new name for myself, essentially, taking all that I have been blessed with these last two years at UD and trusting that God will bless me in my transition.


I have been praying a lot and asking God to give me a sign, clear directions, some foolproof way of knowing that He wants me at Franciscan. As I have discerned this transfer more, I've got the feeling that I'm supposed to be there. There is some aspect of Franciscan that is drawing me into it's grasp, but I keep getting caught on the "What ifs". I have talked to basically everyone I know, some of them have heard me drone on multiple times, and I get very strong opinions about both schools. I keep hoping that one of these times, someone is going to say "You need to go to Franciscan because that's where God wants you." Now, if that happened, I would be more than happy, but chances are that's not going to happen. The multiple different opinions I'm getting are great, they give me information about my options, but what is really important is the way I react. That says just as much about what the deepest desire of my heart really is, and that is where God's opinion lies. So, I have to start listening ...


For what though?  A disembodied voice in the distance, a dream of God coming to me, an Annunciation-like event? None of these things actually, because God speaks to the depths of our hearts, the place that only He resides. He speaks to us in ways that are unique to our relationships with Him. 


I think that God has been speaking to me through the Scriptures. In all this noise that I have created for myself, He needed a new way to get to me. Two weekends ago, the 24th, the readings came from Kings and Romans. The first reading is about Solomon, who asks God for a discerning heart with which he will judge his people fairly. God responds to Solomon, granting his request because he asked not for himself, but for the service of his people and for God. The second reading starts off with these words:

"Brothers and sisters:

We know that all things work for good for those who love God, 

who are called according to his purpose."

  The song for the day was "Seek ye First". To me there seemed to be a message during Mass, "ask and the door shall be opened, seek and you shall find". That says it all. I'm looking for God and I'm asking for God's will to be done, and God will be faithful and help me discover what that means. This past Sunday, the readings seemed to pop out at me again. The story of the loaves and fishes, the reading from Isaiah proclaiming that all who hunger and thirst will have their fill in the Lord, then our proclaiming in the psalm that  "The hand of the Lord feeds us" and in Romans, the proclamation that nothing can separate us from the love of God. These readings have reminded me that God will be faithful to my pleadings for direction and security, and that I need to make a decision. After that decision is made, God won't stop being faithful and He won't leave me to flounder if I made the wrong decision. There is safety in His arms.


I think this is a testament to the fact that the Bible is the LIVING Word of God. It was written in a certain time and for a certain purpose, but it speaks to people of every age. It wasn't like God woke up before Mass and realized He needed to talk to me so he wrote the Scriptures. NO, they have been there all along. I have read them and sang the songs multiple times, but this I think is where my blog comes full circle. The name of my blog is "My Walk to Emmaus" from the story of the two disciples on the walk to Emmaus with Christ. "Were not our hearts burning within us as we walked along the way and he opened the Scriptures to us?" These scriptures may not have changed since they were written, but along this journey of discernment, Christ truly opened the Scriptures to me and allowed the Holy Spirit to set my heart on fire for Him.